WEIGH-IN #8

Weight lost this week: 3.2 lbs
Total Weight lost: 30.8 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 25.24%

I'm one-quarter of the way to my goal! THAT FEELS GOOD! Also I hit another milestone, 30 lbs lost!

Also, I leave for Dubai in 37 hours! I'm so excited for this trip, and the other members at my Weight Watchers meeting tonight were SO helpful with advice and tips on how to stay on program while I'm gone.  I researched the hotel and found out that they have a (modest) 24-hour gym on site, which will be a big help.  Also I'd love to do some beach walking, I heard it's GREAT for your ASS (my ass needs all the help it can get.)

It's been another emotional roller-coaster of a week, I'm pretty sure my hormones are involved.  Even though I didn't go through a break-up, it really does feel like that.  Unfortunately, HE doesn't see it that way (can't blame him) and we're having a really hard time communicating and connecting.  I know things can't go back to the way they were before - I don't want that! But I was really hoping to salvage a friendship out of this.  I just need to figure out what that means.  It's redefining things on my end, and apparently I'm not great with boundaries!  ;o)  Shocker, I know!

I won't be able to weigh-in while I'm away, and honestly, I'm not even going to try.  You never know how accurate other scales are and I don't want to give myself any chances to get unnecessarily discouraged.  Hoping for a loss when I get back, but as long as I don't gain, I'm going to call it a win.

10%, bitches

Weight lost this week: 3.6 lbs
Total Weight lost: 27.6 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 22.62%

I did it! I hit my 10% goal!

(That means that since I began Weight Watchers I've lost 10% of my original body weight.  It's a big deal in Weight Watcher Land...)

I got my free keychain...

I've never been so happy to get a keychain! It's on my purse, proudly displayed for the few who know what it means.

Yeah, I feel great.  The heartbreak is... well, it's not really going away as much as it's loosing it's bite.  I've gone almost a full week without crying, which has got to be some sort of record for me.  It is a record for 2012! Work has been great, I've been very busy lately and a lot of great jobs are still rolling in... In general, all is good.  Thank you, baby Jesus, because I was really loosing it there for a bit!

Now that I seem to be loosing at a pretty healthy and comfortable pace, I've decided to focus more on working out.  It's become abundantly clear to me that I CANNOT RUN, at least not until I loose more weight, so I've been walking uphill on the treadmill instead.  It's a much better workout for me, because when I tried running, I'd just have to stop due to the pain in my shins and feet.  I can walk uphill (15% incline) for 20-30 minutes without stopping or slowing down, so I'm keeping my heart rate in that magic zone for much longer periods of time.  Also been doing the weight machines, mostly my chest, shoulders and core.  Really don't want to work on my crazy muscular legs, and I have light weights at home for arm work. 

I'm also back to the same notch on my belt that I used SIX years ago.  That feels great!  Also, it feels like maybe I need a new belt because I've been wearing the same one, every day, for SIX YEARS.  Yikes.

Also, leaving for Dubai in a week!

But that'll all have to wait for another post because I'm sooo tired and have a super early call time.

Things I want to do when I'm skinny

1) Hit on a hot guy
2) Buy something I can't afford because it looks so bangin' good on me
3) Skydive
4) Bungee-jump
5) Drink until 4am and pass out on a friend's couch
6) Wear a two-piece bikini in the ocean.  Even if it's just once.
7) Run a marathon (or, at least, a 5K!)
8) Go mountain climbing


to be continued...

BACK ON TRACK

Weight lost this week: 7 lbs.
Total Weight lost: 24.0 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 19.67%

Now, there we go.  I'm gonna go ahead and call last week's weigh-in a fluke.  Because I doubt I lost SEVEN WHOLE POUNDS in one week!

Going to a Weight Watchers meeting on Valentine's Day has to be one of the most pathetic things I've ever done, but who the fuck cares? I thought I'd be the only one there, but there were a lot of others that made it out, including a few couples.  As our leader put it, we decided to be our own Valentine's this year.

I feel great, honestly.  I ran for the train today at a full clip (just made it) and I was barely out of breath.  Two months ago I wouldn't have even bothered trying to make it, because I used to get winded half way up the stairs and I'd have to stop (it was so embarrassing, I used to pretend to be interested in something on my phone so it didn't look like I had to take a break halfway up the stairs).  But now, I can run a full city block and bound up three flights of stairs with (relative) ease! Also, I physically notice a difference.  My jeans are hanging off of me, I'm back to the same notch on my big-ass belt that I used five years ago, and I think I'm down a chin. 

But I also recognize that I'm only at my best when I'm being challenged, and I've gotten so comfortable with my new eating habits that I'm ready to look for the next step.  So, I'm going to start doing YOGA.  There's a place near my gym that has a 'basics' (or, beginner) class on Saturday and Sunday mornings and, as long as I get some cashmoney in the bank this week, I'll be there! $15/class sounds steep but if I like it I'm gonna get a package that makes it a little more affordable.

Work has slowed down again, which is good for me right now.  I don't loose weight as quickly when I'm working like a madman, and I needed a little break to regroup and to get back in fighting mode.  I leave for Dubai in two weeks and I'd love to be on a good winning streak when I leave, because I'm pretty sure that keeping up with Weight Watchers for 12 days overseas is going to be tough.

I've got a job interview tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed (I love the little moments where I pretend that anyone in the world reads this besides me.)

Not my proudest post...

Weight lost this week: 0 lbs.
Total Weight lost: 17.0 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 13.93%

Yup.  My weigh-in this week was EXACTLY the same as last week.  No loss, no gain.  I suppose that's a win in and of itself, NO GAIN.  I'm trying to focus on that.  NO GAIN.

Honestly, I sort of expected this.  I've been working non-stop the last week and it's especially hard to stay on track when you don't see your home for 17 hours a day.  Also, I treated myself this past weekend, from pizza, a taco and a margarita on Friday to Super Bowl party snacking on Sunday.  As I say, I 'went dark' for a few days.  The silver lining is that I still tracked all the crappy things, and I stayed under my weekly points allowance - but I normally don't use ANY of those points and this week I used ALL of them.

(To clarify, on top of the X number of points that I get daily - which is calculated based on weight, age, height, and whether or not you're breastfeeding - I also can technically use up to 49 additional bonus points each week.  I usually only use my X number of points that I get DAILY and don't dip into the bonus points.)

Also, I didn't make it to the gym once.  Just too busy during the day and then too damn tired at night.  My only day off was Sunday, and if you knew what it took to get from my house to the gym using only public transportation on a Sunday, you'd skip it, too! Plus, ya know, I had to watch the GIANTS win the SUPER BOWL and all that...

So, I'm a little disappointed but I'm choosing to be proud of the fact that I can still cut loose without falling off the wagon entirely.  This plan is getting harder (see my last post) but my determination is not waning.  Time to step it up - I'm hoping for a BIG LOSS next week!

Now Comes The Hard Part...

As I write this I am sitting in a photo studio on the west side, overlooking the entirely of the Manhattan skyline.  Directly in front of me is the Empire State Building...  I love this city, but sometimes it can really kick my ass.

I've compared NYC to an abusive husband before and I stand by that analogy.  I love it, and I'm pretty sure it loves me, too.  But every once in awhile it beats the s**t out of me.  But I always come back for more.  Lately has been no exception.  As a freelancer, sometimes I go weeks without any work.  It can be scary sometimes, downright terrifying, and usually I get to a point where I'm convinced that I'll never work again.  And then, usually overnight, I have so much work that I can't even keep my head above water.

Now, the beginning the year is usually slow in my industry.  Most anybody involved in fashion is pre-occupied with preparing for Fashion Week, and everyone else is taking their pretty little time recovering from the holidays.  So I didn't panic too much when I went almost the entire month of January without any work.  The SILVER LINING this year was that the 'month off' gave me plenty of time and space to really focus on my diet new lifestyle.  And I've been doing really well.  I averaged about 3-4 visits to the gym each week, I was diligent about doing my floor exercises and stretches at home nightly, planning my meals and preparing them ahead of time, grocery shopping and keeping the apartment stocked with good food, and all of the other wonderful habits that have kept me on the loosing path (in this case, that's the path to be on) for the last month.

BUT, when it rains it pours.  And it's starting to rain.  I've worked the last three days and I'm already starting to book out next week.  To explain, I work in rental studios usually, so it's not as if I have an office.  The catered food on set is always super tasty, but not in the least bit Weight-Watcher-friendly.  I usually have to leave my apartment between 6:30-7am and I'm often not home before 10pm.

I try to prepare for these days, but sometimes I'm not even booked for a day until the night before (in rare circumstances, even the morning OF THE SHOOT.)  Plus, my tiny Brooklyn apartment has an equally tiny refrigerator and freezer, so I can only prepare ahead for a few meals.  Usually I just bring a small bag with me packed with emergency snacks, so that if there's nothing I can do with the catering, I can snack throughout the day.  Also, making sure that I never get TOO hungry keeps me from hitting the items on that catering cart that I shouldn't be going anywhere near, like the vanilla cupcakes with chocolate buttercream frosting that always seem to pop up.  For breakfast I can usually grab some fruit and maybe a small portion of eggs and for lunch there's almost always some kind of chicken.  But you never know.  I've been on shoots where the only option for lunch was sushi (I'm allergic to seafood) or shoots like TODAY, where there's no catering at all and everyone just orders from the diner down the street.  The point is, I never know what I'm getting into. 

Plus, there's the 'cool' factor.  This is New York City, after all.  I have to be careful about 'packing a lunch' because then I look like a geek.  I wish that wasn't true, but it is, and it's a real concern - as soon as I stop being 'cool' then I'll be easily replaced by some skinny little hipster kid.

So, with work finally starting to pick up, I have a whole new set of problems to overcome.  I guess I'm lucky that my first month was relatively problem-free, and with the success I've had so far I feel like I have enough momentum to get past this stuff. 

I think that tonight I'm going to hit up Energy Kitchen on the way home, after three days of this I'm pretty sure I won't have enough energy to cook!

WEIGH-IN #4

Weight lost this week: 3.6 lbs
Total Weight lost: 17.0 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 13.93%

TODAY I CELEBRATED MY 5% GOAL! That means that as of today's weigh-in, I have lost (at least) 5% of my starting weight.  I'm officially 19/20ths of the person I was when I started this blog.

Another great weigh-in day! I've got plenty to update you on, but alas, my celebratory CHIPOTLE Burrito Bowl (I counted all the points) has me feeling vurrrrry lazy and unmotivated.

More to come, suckas.

Feelin' Good

Well... I'm feeling better.  Not 100%, not even 10%, but probably a barely-perceptible 5% or so.  I only cried once yesterday, and not at all (yet) today!

Yesterday I had weigh-in #3, which was another success! I'm down almost 14 lbs! That's over 1/10th of the total weight I have to loose, and just shy of 5% of my starting weight.  Weight Watchers celebrates 5% and 10% loss of your starting weight, so as long as things stay on track I should be getting a sticker next week (OOOH a sticker - I know it sounds corny but it's the little things that keep ya going, you know?)

In general, physically, I feel great.  I have a TON more energy and my mood is (relatively) up... I don't know that I could've gotten through these last couple of weeks if I was still in 'fat' mode.  I know I've only last 13 pounds, but my mind doesn't see myself as an out-of-control fat girl anymore.  Now I'm just, like, a skinny girl who has to hide out in a slowly-shrinking fat girl's body for a year or two.  I genuinely feel like this is it, like this is the time that the 'diet sticks' and I actually loose this weight.  So... How do I know? (I'm glad you asked...)

I smoked cigarettes for 14 years: from age 14 (yikes, I know) to age 28.  In high school it was just one here and one there... mainly because I didn't have the supply (it's illegal to sell to 14 year old, FYI) and the opportunity (living at home.)  But when I went off to college I was all over those cancer sticks.  I teamed up with my roommate and this girl across the hall (now one of my BFFs, the one getting married later this year) and we all just sat around and chain-smoked.  It's hard for me to even imagine that way-back-when (in 1998) you could still smoke IN YOUR DORM ROOM.  But yeah...


So fast forward a decade or so - through years of stressful restaurant and bar jobs where being a smoker is pretty much a job requirement - until 2009.  I had been living in Santa Fe, NM on and off for about two years at this point.  If you've never been to Santa Fe, go.  Immediately.  It is truly one of the most magical and peaceful places on the planet.  You're 8000 ft above sea level and something about the crisp, clean mountain air just makes you want to be breathing it and ONLY it.  I'd been thinking about quitting for awhile (what smoker isn't?) but it wasn't anything I planned on doing soon.  And then on St. Patrick's Day, while running errands at lunch and stopped at the gas station to get a soda.  Per usual, I checked my pack and saw that I only had 3 smokes left, so I planned on getting a pack while I was in there.  I even remember thinking, "Good thing you checked, it would SUCK to run out of cigarettes in the middle of some good St. Patty's drinking!"  So I went in, grabbed my usual 20oz of Coke, and at the register managed to squeak out: "And could I please get a pack of Marlbo... Scratch that.  Just the Coke."


I don't know what came over me.  Something in my brain just snapped.  All of a sudden, I really didn't want to be a smoker anymore.  So, I passed on the cigs.  In fact, I never even smoked those three that I had left.  I put them back in my bag and donated them to a smoker friend that evening. 


It's an identity thing, I think.  Until that moment, standing in that gas station, I had identified myself as a smoker.  And in that moment, my brain decided that, instead, I was a non-smoker.  And I never smoked again.  I mean it, not even a hit not even once.  Now, don't confuse the level of difficulty with which I made the decision with the level of difficulty of the IMPLEMENTATION of said decision.  I was in legit withdrawal.  The worst part lasted about three days.  I has throwing up, I had no appetite, and instead of sleeping I would just lie half-awake at night have horrible lucid nightmares.  (For example, I dreamt that while I was sleeping the two cats in the house crawled under my covers and were eating me alive.)


I can't judge smokers because I learned for myself that quitting is not going to work until you're ready.  Until your brain says so.  I think that drastically changing your lifestyle and eating habits is the same thing.  That's why all of my attempts before now have failed.  I wasn't ready.  For me, I (unfortunately) think that I have to hit a new low before my brain gets fed up. 


Long story short (TOO LATE FOR THAT, HUH?) - I feel the same way about loosing weight and getting healthy as I did after I quit smoking.  It's a resolve, and it's very personal.  It's really only ME holding ME accountable.  In fact, when I quit smoking, I didn't tell anyone.  Well, not at first - people noticed eventually.  Especially my smoking buddies!  I didn't want to talk about it because being a smoker wasn't ME anymore, that part of my life was over.  And I feel that way now.  I don't like to talk about my weight loss because I feel like that makes me a fat girl loosing weight, instead of a skinny girl just biding time.  The luxury of quitting smoking is that you can go from being a smoker to a non-smoker in an instant.  Unfortunately, going from a fat girl to a skinny girl takes a lot longer.


I suppose I could do this faster - with expensive and painful surgery or a crash diet.  But this isn't a phase for me, this is the rest of my life.  I have to learn to do this my way, forever.  And frankly, I can't afford surgery (no insurance!)  So, I wait.  I don't have any inclination to go back to the way I was before.  Occasionally I'll crave a soda (and occasionally I'll crave a cigarette) - but I know myself well enough, and I know that I can't just have a sip, or a hit... So it's all or nothing.  And if the hardest thing I ever have to do is to NOT do something, then I'm living a pretty easy life, huh?

WEIGH-IN #3

Weight lost this week: 4.6 lbs
Total Weight lost: 13.4 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 10.98%

I'm SO thrilled that this is working, and for the first time this week, I've actually started to SEE a difference.  Not much, not anything that anyone would notice but me, but definitely a difference.  My belly sticks out just a little bit less, I went in a notch on my belt and bra, and I'm not as winded when climbing the subway stairs.

I've got a lot more to write, but I have to go to bed right now because I'm exhausted from a great night out socializing and meeting new friends and not being pathetic, weepy and heartbroken at home.  Phew.

A Little Bit of Heartbreak...

So, well... turns out that it didn't take "N" long to move past the news that his BFF of five years has secretly been in love with him the whole time.  He's got a girl.  And she's living in his apartment.  I know, it sounds bad - I did that on purpose.  She was actually just apartment-sitting while he was out of town and he decided to let her finish out the month on the couch.  And by 'on the couch' I mean 'in his bed, pants, and heart."

God works in funny ways, no? Just as I thought I was finally going to be able to get over him...

But the good news? When I found out, when I literally felt my heart drop out of the part of my chest it's supposed to be in and not-so-gracefully land somewhere between my stomach and liver... I didn't immediately crave terrible food.  In fact, it sort of strengthened my resolve a little bit.  Either that I or just lost my appetite due to the fact that my stomach was being displaced by my rogue heart.  But I need a win right now, so I'll take it.  Straw grasping is not beneath me.

Also, it doesn't hurt that when we got back to his place I noticed that she is totally skinny-fat and (someday) I am going to have a much more bangin' body than she does.  In fact, if you consider that time is really just a construct of the human mind, I ALREADY HAVE A BETTER BODY THAN HER.

Ok... I'm done being a bitch now.  She's actually a lovely girl.  I hope they get married and have tens of thousands of babies.  I'm getting out of town this weekend because I literally can't be here and not be a bitch, and I legit HATE being a bitch.  You don't know me, but I'm a lovely girl too.

I'm a Visual Person...

So I've been trying to figure out the best way to VISUALIZE my success.

Also, I'm a total math nerd, so I had to do it RIGHT - which is why it took me 2+ weeks to figure this out.

So, I'll be charting my success using Excel, and then generating a graph and posting it with each Weigh-In post from here on out.

I decided to chart the number of pounds that I have lost / have left to loose, mainly because I've been so pedantic about the whole 122 number... ;o) Also, it is a better visualization for me because the x-axis represents ZERO (as in "I have zero pounds left to loose") rather than my goal weight - which, theoretically, one could use to figure out my CURRENT (or, god forbid, beginning) weight, which is nunya bizness.

Next, I had to estimate the amount of time that this whole process might take.  And again, MATH NERD HERE, so I had to use some sort of science to come across that number.  SO... Weight Watchers claims that 'healthy weight loss' averages between 0.5 and 2 lbs per week.  If you average those two numbers, you get 1.25lbs/week.  Divide that into 122 lbs and bam-boom-plomp you get 97.6 weeks.  So I extrapolated the data out and set the graph to end on 11/12/13.

(I'm not even going to START with how excited I was to find out that my 'theoretical goal date was 11-12-13..)

So, there you go.  Like you cared.

WEIGH-IN #2

Weight lost this week: 2.4 lbs
Total Weight lost: 8.8 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 7.21%

So this week I started something new: Apple Cider Vinegar

It's actually not as bad as it sounds, and it only took me 2-3 days before I didn't have to make the sour-puss-face when I drank it, and one week in I almost enjoy it.  At least, I don't mind having to drink it.

WHY? Well, my roommate recommended it.  Then I did some research on the topic, and although some crazies people are near-religious about it, there seemed to be an overwhelming amount of GOOD it could/might/will do, and almost no drawbacks.  So, why not?

So, I got meself a bottle at Whole Foods (this brand) and committed to drinking it once a day, between my first and second meals.  It's mainly because 'they' recommend having it before meals, but I can't imagine THAT being the first thing I put in my mouth in the AM (that's what she said.)  I mix 2 tablespoons of ACV in 16 oz of cold brita-filtered water with a dash of wildflower honey.  The more honey you use, the better it tastes... but I didn't want to waste any more points on it than I had to!

So, it's supposed to 'cure' a lot of things, including acne and other minor things that I'm less concerned with than my weight, but mostly it's been gaining fame as an appetite suppressant and metabolism booster.  (FYI - they say the same things about Green Tea, which is why I drink a literal Metric Ass Ton of it daily... more on that in a later post.)

I've felt great the last few days - I don't know if it's the ACV or if it's just because I don't have as much crap going through me, but I like to think it's a little of both.  I know that it does SOMETHING in there because it makes me incredibly gassy (not in the ouch-i've-got-an-alien-inside-me but in the SBD-and-burps kind of way.)  And as long as we're being disgusting, I should also mention that I've been 'regular' for the last 4-5 days as well.  Again, who knows which of the life-changes I made is causing it that, but it's probably a team effort.  Either way, the ACV is inexpensive, easy, and I think it's working... so what the hell?

WEIGH-IN #1

So I weighed in tonight at my local Weight Watchers after one week... and...

I lost 6.4 pounds!

I'm pretty pumped and I rewarded myself today with new workout pants.  I was going to reward myself with Pinkberry (mainly because someone in our meeting kept talking about Pinkberry and I was literally - not figuratively - LITERALLY drooling) but then I remembered that I need to stop rewarding myself with food.

So, that's the update.  This s**t is working, so far.  And I don't feel like I'm loosing motivation.  This week's goal is to be just as diligent but to try and be more social.  Last week I followed the plan perfectly, but I also locked myself up like a hermit because THERE IS SO MUCH TEMPTATION OUT 'THERE!'

But, being healthy and fit won't be nearly as much fun if I have no friends or life outside of my apartment, so... out into the real world I go.  Tomorrow night I have scheduled a dinner with some friends and on Saturday I'm shooting a wedding.

Wish me luck!

Chipotle! (or, advice that you shouldn't take quite yet.)

I've got a demon inside me.  And the demon's name is Chipotle.

Filled with dreams, indeed.

And the worst part about Chipotle? IT'S NOT THAT BAD FOR YOU! I mean, relatively speaking.  You can barely lump Chipotle and McDonalds into the same category.  Chipotle's food is fresh, (somewhat) organic/local, and they are very transparent about the nutritional value of their food.  Plus, you build your own meal, so you have THE POWER to have extra lettuce, hold the sour cream.

Or, at least that's what the evil, fat-girl part of my brain kept telling me two nights ago as I strolled into Chipotle's new location in NoHo.  Combine that with the fact that I had just left the gym for the first time since starting this new lifestyle, and BAM! Validation.  My brain suddenly could validate eating... wait for it... fast food.  And only three days in!

So what's a girl to do? Well, at that point I wasn't about to say no to Chipotle.  I could smell it, see it, even kind of taste it a little (you know what I'm talking about stop rolling your eyes.)  So, I tried to make the best of it.  I pulled out a Weight Watcherer's best friend, my iPhone, and quickly looked up the point values for Chipotle foods.  Thus informed, I was able to put together the following meal:

Kaz's "I'm Having a Weak Day" Chipotle Special:
Burrito Bowl (to go), with:
White rice (same point value for brown rice) - 3 points
Steak (again, chicken would have been the same points value) - 5 points
Tomato salsa, mild (wasn't sure, so I added 1 point for this) - 1 point
Corn (again, I was guessing) - 2 points
Cheese (makes the world go round) - 3 points
Lettuce (EXTRA!!!) - 0 points
Guacamole, on the side - 4 points

I skipped the sour cream and the chips, and when I got home I used my own fat-free sour cream and baked tortilla chips (I measured) and shaved 9 points off the meal!

So, the food from Chipotle was 18 points, and then I added in 3 for the baked chips and 1 for the fat-free sour cream, for a grand total of 22 points.

Now, that's kind of a lot.  And by kind of a lot, I mean that's over half of my daily point allowance.  And I get A LOT OF POINTS (because I weigh a lot right now.)  But I called it a victory.  Not only had I planned ahead before ordering, I had also made the decision to replace ingredients that I could with better options from home.  And I still haven't caved on the soda embargo.

And I finished the day only 2 points over target, which was fine because I hadn't used any of my extra-special-weekly-bonus points and I also refuse to ever 'cash in' any points I might 'earn' by exercising.

DISCLAIMER: I haven't had my second weigh in yet, so you really shouldn't take any of my advice until we see what that scale says on Tuesday.  To be safe, you might want to give it another week, actually.  Because I'm wingin' it here, and I'd hate to drag anyone down with me.

Day One (a few days delayed)

So I've been tossing around the idea of keeping a weight-loss blog for awhile now.  I'm really not much of a writer and... well... who the hell is going to read this? Also, I'm trying something NEW this time around: I'm not talking about it.  I mean, my closest friends and my mother all know that I've gone back to Weight Watchers, but I'm not doing the whole 'circle of support' thing this time.  It's just me, and, well... you.

So, since I've really no one to talk to about this whole thing, I suppose the blog is a good idea.  Even if no one reads it but me.

I weighed in on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012 at 271.4 pounds.  I've set my target weight at 150 pounds, so if you round up... that means... I have 122 pounds to lose.

Oy vey is right!

So, why do I think that this time will be any different? How about some back story...

I've been overweight all my life.  I don't remember ever feeling anything but fat.  The closest I came was in 9th grade when I fit into a size 7 dress for homecoming.  Even then I was convinced that the dress had been mislabeled or something, because I was regularly wearing a size 11 at least.  That was 18 years ago.

That means that if I'd gotten knocked up at my freshman year homecoming dance then I could have a 17 year old right now.  If if THAT child followed in my footsteps I could have a 3 and half year old GRANDKID.  But I didn't get knocked up at the dance.  I didn't even get laid.  At all.  In high school.  Or college.  Or most of my 20s.  I snuck that sonofab***h in under the wire at age 29, mostly just so I wasn't a 30-year old virgin.  And I haven't been laid since.

Now, this would be the saddest story if it wasn't for the fact that I'm actually pretty cool.  There are things that I like about myself, especially my blue eyes and long eyelashes.  I'm pretty sure that I've got a great sense of humor, and I usually keep everyone around me smiling and comfortable.  I'm compassionate and kind, and generous to a fault.  I followed my dream of becoming a photographer straight to New York City, where I currently live.  I'm doing well in my industry, and have managed to survive big city rent and expenses for over two years now.  Yet, despite all of that, I have absolutely zero confidence when it comes to matters of the heart.

I have always had really close guy friends.  My closest friend at any point in time over that last decade or so has always been a straight dude, and I've always harbored a secret, dying, burning, never-ceasing, standing-up-falling-down crush on this guy.

First it was "K" - he wanted to learn how to make prints in a darkroom and, surprise, I had a darkroom at my house.  Hours and days and weeks went by with us maneuvering around each other in the dark, and my crush just grew and grew... K played the guitar, and wrote songs, and sang them whilst playing the guitar... (One time he did an acoustic cover of Usher's "Nice and Slow" and dedicated it to me.) Of course I had a crush on him.  So finally (after consuming at least a full bottle of liquid courage, AKA whiskey) I told him... on New Years Eve.  He apparently had also consumed a good amount of liquid courage that night, enough so that he was brave enough to call me a "fat f***ing b***h" and blame me for the fact that my best girl friend ("M") didn't want to date him.  The night ended with him running over my foot with his car while I tried to stop him from driving home drunk.

(Fast forward to today: K still lives in a trailer in the same town we grew up in, has a nice long record of DUIs, and works for a landscaping company... that is owned by M's husband!)

Then, there was "D" - he was a line cook at the chain restaurant where we both worked and was attending the local trade school.  Also, he was missing a tooth... in front.  Today, D is still living in the same town and putting his trade school degree certificate to good use in his job at the Apple Store.  I never thought I'd get over D - my crush on him was ACUTE.  That crush crushed me.

Then, "J" - he was a good guy and still is.  After years of trying to figure out whether or not to be a fire fighter or a police officer, he joined the Air Force and now lives on base in Oklahoma.  He's married to a beautiful woman and I couldn't be happier for them.  I'm glad that we're still close friends - but that was only possible because I was able to "transfer" my crush on J onto...

"K2." Oh, K2.  We were the kind of friends that you only have a few times in your life.  The kind that were so different, yet we able to connect and empathize on such a deep level that I was actually starting to believe in the idea of 'past lives.'  Ladies loved him, and he loved the ladies, but it never really bothered me because our connection was so much... MORE.  I should also mention that he sang and played the guitar as well... (One time he did an acoustic cover of Damien Rice's "The Professor/La Fille Danse" complete with singing in French at the end and dedicated it to me.)  One day K2 announced that he'd fallen in love with his sister's best friend and was moving to Minnesota to live with her and her son.  I thought I was going to die.  I couldn't stand being in that city without him, so, naturally, I moved to New Mexico...

Where I prompted met and fell in love with "N."  N has been my best friend for 4.5 years now.  He moved to NYC from New Mexico about a year before me.  I'd always wanted to live in NYC and having him here, well... that was enough for me.  I spent the next year in New Mexico working my a$$ off.  I saved every dollar I made, gave the guy that got my V-card a big fat kiss and hit the road without looking back.  I lived with N for a week (on an air mattress on the floor of his tiny basement-level Brooklyn apartment) while I looked for my own place.  I ended up moving pretty close to his apartment (intentionally) and most of the work I got for my first year here was through him and connections he'd made.  Although I have 'peripheral' friends, he's really been the center of my universe.  We do everything together.

Well, we did... until eight days ago.  Eight days ago I had a come-apart... a come-to-jesus moment.  We had both just gotten back from spending the holidays visiting family, and I hadn't seen him in over two weeks.  So we went out to run some errands and grab dinner - and it hit me.  He bums me out. Like, seriously, being around him was BUMMING ME OUT HARDCORE.  I didn't know why, but I was pretty sure that it was ME, not him, that was the problem.  So I went home and thought about it.  And I woke up the next day (New Year's Eve - we have a bad history) and decided I had to tell him how I felt.  And not because I wanted him to share the feelings and say we'd live happily ever after, but because it wasn't fair for me to hate him so much for not being what I wanted him to be.  So I told him, and he's a champ, and we're still friends.  And now I'm back to square one.

So basically, I've had it.  I'm over it.  I want to fall in love.  Well, eventually.  First, I want to fall in like.  And get laid.  And get my heart broken.  I really want to experience all of these things, because I am dangerously close to full-heartedly believing that they're not in the cards for me, that there is something WRONG with me, that I don't deserve to be loved, or liked, or laid... If things don't start happening for me soon, I might loose all hope.

So, it's 2012.  My little brother and my best friend from college are both getting married at the end of the year, and I refuse to be the fat, pathetic bridesmaid.  I want to be the hot, single bridesmaid!  I want to get hit on!  I want to get drunk and dance my a$$ off without being self-conscious.  I want to think a guy is cute and feel a twinge of hope, not immediate dejection.  I want to be able to put full-length photos on my online dating profile.  I want to enjoy shopping like girls are supposed to.  I want to be able to buy shoes because they're CUTE not because my feet might not hurt as much in them.  I want to be able to fall asleep without a CPAP machine.  I want to fly on an airplane and not worry if I'm bothering the person next to me.  I want to love, and shop, and travel...

Basically, I want to live my life.  And for ME, I can't do that as a fat person.  So that's that.  I'm on day four of my new lifestyle and on Tuesday the 10th I'll weigh in again.  If all goes as planned, that number should be lower than 271.4.  Then I'll do it again next week.

How I'm doing it:

• I quit drinking soda. 100%. No more soda, period.
• I'm drinking as much water as I can. Every time I think about food or soda, I just gulp a ton of water.
• I've replaced my caffeine needs with unsweetened Green Tea (both iced and hot.)
• I'm on Weight Watchers, doing the new PointsPlus 2012 plan.
• I'm writing down EVERYTHING I eat.
• I'm eating three meals a day like a normal person.
• I'm going to make a serious effort to get to the gym 2-3 times a week for some light cardio, and I'm doing light weights and floor exercises every evening at home.

Nothing groundbreaking, no fad diets, no cleanses, no pills (outside of a multivitamin and fish oil once a day), and no surgery (it was a serious contender at one point) - just a new, healthier lifestyle that I think I can keep up forever.

So, if you'd like to follow along on my journey, stay tuned.  I promise to hold nothing back.  All of my successes, and all of my failures, will be laid bare here for all to see.

-K