Feelin' Good

Well... I'm feeling better.  Not 100%, not even 10%, but probably a barely-perceptible 5% or so.  I only cried once yesterday, and not at all (yet) today!

Yesterday I had weigh-in #3, which was another success! I'm down almost 14 lbs! That's over 1/10th of the total weight I have to loose, and just shy of 5% of my starting weight.  Weight Watchers celebrates 5% and 10% loss of your starting weight, so as long as things stay on track I should be getting a sticker next week (OOOH a sticker - I know it sounds corny but it's the little things that keep ya going, you know?)

In general, physically, I feel great.  I have a TON more energy and my mood is (relatively) up... I don't know that I could've gotten through these last couple of weeks if I was still in 'fat' mode.  I know I've only last 13 pounds, but my mind doesn't see myself as an out-of-control fat girl anymore.  Now I'm just, like, a skinny girl who has to hide out in a slowly-shrinking fat girl's body for a year or two.  I genuinely feel like this is it, like this is the time that the 'diet sticks' and I actually loose this weight.  So... How do I know? (I'm glad you asked...)

I smoked cigarettes for 14 years: from age 14 (yikes, I know) to age 28.  In high school it was just one here and one there... mainly because I didn't have the supply (it's illegal to sell to 14 year old, FYI) and the opportunity (living at home.)  But when I went off to college I was all over those cancer sticks.  I teamed up with my roommate and this girl across the hall (now one of my BFFs, the one getting married later this year) and we all just sat around and chain-smoked.  It's hard for me to even imagine that way-back-when (in 1998) you could still smoke IN YOUR DORM ROOM.  But yeah...


So fast forward a decade or so - through years of stressful restaurant and bar jobs where being a smoker is pretty much a job requirement - until 2009.  I had been living in Santa Fe, NM on and off for about two years at this point.  If you've never been to Santa Fe, go.  Immediately.  It is truly one of the most magical and peaceful places on the planet.  You're 8000 ft above sea level and something about the crisp, clean mountain air just makes you want to be breathing it and ONLY it.  I'd been thinking about quitting for awhile (what smoker isn't?) but it wasn't anything I planned on doing soon.  And then on St. Patrick's Day, while running errands at lunch and stopped at the gas station to get a soda.  Per usual, I checked my pack and saw that I only had 3 smokes left, so I planned on getting a pack while I was in there.  I even remember thinking, "Good thing you checked, it would SUCK to run out of cigarettes in the middle of some good St. Patty's drinking!"  So I went in, grabbed my usual 20oz of Coke, and at the register managed to squeak out: "And could I please get a pack of Marlbo... Scratch that.  Just the Coke."


I don't know what came over me.  Something in my brain just snapped.  All of a sudden, I really didn't want to be a smoker anymore.  So, I passed on the cigs.  In fact, I never even smoked those three that I had left.  I put them back in my bag and donated them to a smoker friend that evening. 


It's an identity thing, I think.  Until that moment, standing in that gas station, I had identified myself as a smoker.  And in that moment, my brain decided that, instead, I was a non-smoker.  And I never smoked again.  I mean it, not even a hit not even once.  Now, don't confuse the level of difficulty with which I made the decision with the level of difficulty of the IMPLEMENTATION of said decision.  I was in legit withdrawal.  The worst part lasted about three days.  I has throwing up, I had no appetite, and instead of sleeping I would just lie half-awake at night have horrible lucid nightmares.  (For example, I dreamt that while I was sleeping the two cats in the house crawled under my covers and were eating me alive.)


I can't judge smokers because I learned for myself that quitting is not going to work until you're ready.  Until your brain says so.  I think that drastically changing your lifestyle and eating habits is the same thing.  That's why all of my attempts before now have failed.  I wasn't ready.  For me, I (unfortunately) think that I have to hit a new low before my brain gets fed up. 


Long story short (TOO LATE FOR THAT, HUH?) - I feel the same way about loosing weight and getting healthy as I did after I quit smoking.  It's a resolve, and it's very personal.  It's really only ME holding ME accountable.  In fact, when I quit smoking, I didn't tell anyone.  Well, not at first - people noticed eventually.  Especially my smoking buddies!  I didn't want to talk about it because being a smoker wasn't ME anymore, that part of my life was over.  And I feel that way now.  I don't like to talk about my weight loss because I feel like that makes me a fat girl loosing weight, instead of a skinny girl just biding time.  The luxury of quitting smoking is that you can go from being a smoker to a non-smoker in an instant.  Unfortunately, going from a fat girl to a skinny girl takes a lot longer.


I suppose I could do this faster - with expensive and painful surgery or a crash diet.  But this isn't a phase for me, this is the rest of my life.  I have to learn to do this my way, forever.  And frankly, I can't afford surgery (no insurance!)  So, I wait.  I don't have any inclination to go back to the way I was before.  Occasionally I'll crave a soda (and occasionally I'll crave a cigarette) - but I know myself well enough, and I know that I can't just have a sip, or a hit... So it's all or nothing.  And if the hardest thing I ever have to do is to NOT do something, then I'm living a pretty easy life, huh?

WEIGH-IN #3

Weight lost this week: 4.6 lbs
Total Weight lost: 13.4 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 10.98%

I'm SO thrilled that this is working, and for the first time this week, I've actually started to SEE a difference.  Not much, not anything that anyone would notice but me, but definitely a difference.  My belly sticks out just a little bit less, I went in a notch on my belt and bra, and I'm not as winded when climbing the subway stairs.

I've got a lot more to write, but I have to go to bed right now because I'm exhausted from a great night out socializing and meeting new friends and not being pathetic, weepy and heartbroken at home.  Phew.

A Little Bit of Heartbreak...

So, well... turns out that it didn't take "N" long to move past the news that his BFF of five years has secretly been in love with him the whole time.  He's got a girl.  And she's living in his apartment.  I know, it sounds bad - I did that on purpose.  She was actually just apartment-sitting while he was out of town and he decided to let her finish out the month on the couch.  And by 'on the couch' I mean 'in his bed, pants, and heart."

God works in funny ways, no? Just as I thought I was finally going to be able to get over him...

But the good news? When I found out, when I literally felt my heart drop out of the part of my chest it's supposed to be in and not-so-gracefully land somewhere between my stomach and liver... I didn't immediately crave terrible food.  In fact, it sort of strengthened my resolve a little bit.  Either that I or just lost my appetite due to the fact that my stomach was being displaced by my rogue heart.  But I need a win right now, so I'll take it.  Straw grasping is not beneath me.

Also, it doesn't hurt that when we got back to his place I noticed that she is totally skinny-fat and (someday) I am going to have a much more bangin' body than she does.  In fact, if you consider that time is really just a construct of the human mind, I ALREADY HAVE A BETTER BODY THAN HER.

Ok... I'm done being a bitch now.  She's actually a lovely girl.  I hope they get married and have tens of thousands of babies.  I'm getting out of town this weekend because I literally can't be here and not be a bitch, and I legit HATE being a bitch.  You don't know me, but I'm a lovely girl too.

I'm a Visual Person...

So I've been trying to figure out the best way to VISUALIZE my success.

Also, I'm a total math nerd, so I had to do it RIGHT - which is why it took me 2+ weeks to figure this out.

So, I'll be charting my success using Excel, and then generating a graph and posting it with each Weigh-In post from here on out.

I decided to chart the number of pounds that I have lost / have left to loose, mainly because I've been so pedantic about the whole 122 number... ;o) Also, it is a better visualization for me because the x-axis represents ZERO (as in "I have zero pounds left to loose") rather than my goal weight - which, theoretically, one could use to figure out my CURRENT (or, god forbid, beginning) weight, which is nunya bizness.

Next, I had to estimate the amount of time that this whole process might take.  And again, MATH NERD HERE, so I had to use some sort of science to come across that number.  SO... Weight Watchers claims that 'healthy weight loss' averages between 0.5 and 2 lbs per week.  If you average those two numbers, you get 1.25lbs/week.  Divide that into 122 lbs and bam-boom-plomp you get 97.6 weeks.  So I extrapolated the data out and set the graph to end on 11/12/13.

(I'm not even going to START with how excited I was to find out that my 'theoretical goal date was 11-12-13..)

So, there you go.  Like you cared.

WEIGH-IN #2

Weight lost this week: 2.4 lbs
Total Weight lost: 8.8 lbs
Percentage of 122 lbs lost: 7.21%

So this week I started something new: Apple Cider Vinegar

It's actually not as bad as it sounds, and it only took me 2-3 days before I didn't have to make the sour-puss-face when I drank it, and one week in I almost enjoy it.  At least, I don't mind having to drink it.

WHY? Well, my roommate recommended it.  Then I did some research on the topic, and although some crazies people are near-religious about it, there seemed to be an overwhelming amount of GOOD it could/might/will do, and almost no drawbacks.  So, why not?

So, I got meself a bottle at Whole Foods (this brand) and committed to drinking it once a day, between my first and second meals.  It's mainly because 'they' recommend having it before meals, but I can't imagine THAT being the first thing I put in my mouth in the AM (that's what she said.)  I mix 2 tablespoons of ACV in 16 oz of cold brita-filtered water with a dash of wildflower honey.  The more honey you use, the better it tastes... but I didn't want to waste any more points on it than I had to!

So, it's supposed to 'cure' a lot of things, including acne and other minor things that I'm less concerned with than my weight, but mostly it's been gaining fame as an appetite suppressant and metabolism booster.  (FYI - they say the same things about Green Tea, which is why I drink a literal Metric Ass Ton of it daily... more on that in a later post.)

I've felt great the last few days - I don't know if it's the ACV or if it's just because I don't have as much crap going through me, but I like to think it's a little of both.  I know that it does SOMETHING in there because it makes me incredibly gassy (not in the ouch-i've-got-an-alien-inside-me but in the SBD-and-burps kind of way.)  And as long as we're being disgusting, I should also mention that I've been 'regular' for the last 4-5 days as well.  Again, who knows which of the life-changes I made is causing it that, but it's probably a team effort.  Either way, the ACV is inexpensive, easy, and I think it's working... so what the hell?

WEIGH-IN #1

So I weighed in tonight at my local Weight Watchers after one week... and...

I lost 6.4 pounds!

I'm pretty pumped and I rewarded myself today with new workout pants.  I was going to reward myself with Pinkberry (mainly because someone in our meeting kept talking about Pinkberry and I was literally - not figuratively - LITERALLY drooling) but then I remembered that I need to stop rewarding myself with food.

So, that's the update.  This s**t is working, so far.  And I don't feel like I'm loosing motivation.  This week's goal is to be just as diligent but to try and be more social.  Last week I followed the plan perfectly, but I also locked myself up like a hermit because THERE IS SO MUCH TEMPTATION OUT 'THERE!'

But, being healthy and fit won't be nearly as much fun if I have no friends or life outside of my apartment, so... out into the real world I go.  Tomorrow night I have scheduled a dinner with some friends and on Saturday I'm shooting a wedding.

Wish me luck!

Chipotle! (or, advice that you shouldn't take quite yet.)

I've got a demon inside me.  And the demon's name is Chipotle.

Filled with dreams, indeed.

And the worst part about Chipotle? IT'S NOT THAT BAD FOR YOU! I mean, relatively speaking.  You can barely lump Chipotle and McDonalds into the same category.  Chipotle's food is fresh, (somewhat) organic/local, and they are very transparent about the nutritional value of their food.  Plus, you build your own meal, so you have THE POWER to have extra lettuce, hold the sour cream.

Or, at least that's what the evil, fat-girl part of my brain kept telling me two nights ago as I strolled into Chipotle's new location in NoHo.  Combine that with the fact that I had just left the gym for the first time since starting this new lifestyle, and BAM! Validation.  My brain suddenly could validate eating... wait for it... fast food.  And only three days in!

So what's a girl to do? Well, at that point I wasn't about to say no to Chipotle.  I could smell it, see it, even kind of taste it a little (you know what I'm talking about stop rolling your eyes.)  So, I tried to make the best of it.  I pulled out a Weight Watcherer's best friend, my iPhone, and quickly looked up the point values for Chipotle foods.  Thus informed, I was able to put together the following meal:

Kaz's "I'm Having a Weak Day" Chipotle Special:
Burrito Bowl (to go), with:
White rice (same point value for brown rice) - 3 points
Steak (again, chicken would have been the same points value) - 5 points
Tomato salsa, mild (wasn't sure, so I added 1 point for this) - 1 point
Corn (again, I was guessing) - 2 points
Cheese (makes the world go round) - 3 points
Lettuce (EXTRA!!!) - 0 points
Guacamole, on the side - 4 points

I skipped the sour cream and the chips, and when I got home I used my own fat-free sour cream and baked tortilla chips (I measured) and shaved 9 points off the meal!

So, the food from Chipotle was 18 points, and then I added in 3 for the baked chips and 1 for the fat-free sour cream, for a grand total of 22 points.

Now, that's kind of a lot.  And by kind of a lot, I mean that's over half of my daily point allowance.  And I get A LOT OF POINTS (because I weigh a lot right now.)  But I called it a victory.  Not only had I planned ahead before ordering, I had also made the decision to replace ingredients that I could with better options from home.  And I still haven't caved on the soda embargo.

And I finished the day only 2 points over target, which was fine because I hadn't used any of my extra-special-weekly-bonus points and I also refuse to ever 'cash in' any points I might 'earn' by exercising.

DISCLAIMER: I haven't had my second weigh in yet, so you really shouldn't take any of my advice until we see what that scale says on Tuesday.  To be safe, you might want to give it another week, actually.  Because I'm wingin' it here, and I'd hate to drag anyone down with me.